「C'est La Vie」

2009. &the Memories.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:37:49 GMT

Wow, I think I've deserted this journal for long enough. It seems every time I start a new relationship, I also start a new journal = = So like, in highschool I had this hyperactive blogger account: http://chaoie.blogspot.com/ (haha)

Although I hardly ever look back to it now, I did love that blog. And then I came to Livejournal, because a lot of my friends were using it at the time (most have totally abandoned it now, and might I add- without the slightest hint of guilt)... this blog brings back memories. Some wonderful, some happy, some sad, some inspiring, some awful, some super... but seriously, isn't this what life is about? So yeah, I loved this blog too. For most, I just wish everyone I love/had loved in the past, and everyone I love now and will love in the future, AND everyone who loves me (bwahahaha)... I just wish that we can ALL get a happy ending, y'know?

I mean, some people we were once so close to eventually became strangers, which is sad but it happens... and then some people who are total strangers become people we're really close to.

I'd be lying if I said I don't miss the good times I had in the past, if I didn't miss the good friends (amongst other things :p ) I had in those times, but I'm not lying when I say I don't miss the tough times (that's not saying I regret them). Of course, it's the tough times that help us to grow and mature into the people we are today. But we should all realize that nothing evolves around us; although we may be sad, the one who made us sad may be happy, and after that, it's our own choice- it's difficult but true- we CHOOSE whether to be happy or stuck in a rut.

For me, being happier has involved losing a part of myself, but sometimes we have to sacrifice. I will be able to find this part back, I think.

Anyway, I just want to say that I'm happy for myself and I'm happy for you. Although you hurt me in the past, and perhaps I also hurt you, and heaven knows I've hurt other people (in the even MORE ancient past) by becoming the said stranger myself *looks sheepish, can I sneak in a dearly belated "sorry" here?* but I know that we'd all probably still be there for each other in a strangers-but-not kind of way (does that even make sense?). Maybe these lines will never cross again, or maybe one day we will get to smile at each other and say, in spite of everything:

THANK YOU.

Because if I had been without you (that's plural) all those years, I wouldn't be me : )

And just for kicks: MY FIRST EVER LIVEJOURNAL post. EVERYONE I TAGGED IS IN HERE SOMEWHERE - amazing huh? (if you're not then you're either up there or down there):

There's a disturbance in the air, something, somewhere... oh yes, the very air we are breathing in is filled with the one unfathomable thing we wish to suck the life out of.

Ting says she's heartbroken. She says she's in love with that music, but she says it tears your heart apart.

And then she rather too cheerfully informed me that I should listen to it.

Ha. Ha. Thanks but no thanks, may it be the most beautiful melody in the world, but I would like to keep my heart whole. It's ugly and scarred but as of yet, it hasn't complete broken apart- perhaps it is some part of me desperately trying to keep it together and to keep sane.

Eighteen days.

Could mean a lot of things, and yet at the same time, so little.

---

Day 18

I want to jump. And fly. Preferably not out of a window on the millionth story of some random building that doesn't exist. Unless I feel like bungee jumping.

Also, I think I'd like to be a gecko. Stupid Zumdahl.

Day 17

Today I talked to a random person. And, surprise surprise, it was very random. I like sea animals. Shinny says I am a seal and she is a pufferfish. Ting is a turtle. Mel is a catfish, Rei is a squid/lobster, Rea is a jellyfish, Vivo is a starfish and Kathy is a clownfish. Maybe we can all be one big happy family. If we don't end up eating each other.

Hmmm, I'd hate to be the algae.

Day 16

Pool is too addictive. I think I need to smash some of those tables with my amazing taekwondo flying kicks.

Day 15

Taekwondo induces endorphins. No really, it's proven. I'm sure Ting got a kick by kicking me.

Day 14

Albert promised that he would allow Ting and yours truly to kick him many many times on Friday. Now we both have something to look forward to. I decided he is also a tres cool turtle because he obviously evolutionized from the lowly crab.

Day 11

Michael says he is too old to go into competitions. Apparently he's retired. I asked him if I should get him a coffin for his next birthday.

Day 10

Sadira sms-ed me saying she's house-sitting somewhere in Heidelberg. We all need to crash her place. Seriously, it must be lonely without the net. Hopefully she knows how to cook and is still alive by the time we get there...

I suggested she try knitting while waiting for us to appear on the doorstep.

Day 9

Got up at 10 and spent the whole day in Box Hill library. Worth skipping a day of pointless Animal Science lectures and round table discussions. Worked three hours straight. Joyfully, I can now recite to you the first 30 elements of the Periodic Table and the atomic masses of the important ones. Also am now up to chapter 4 in Physics. The last time I checked, I was up to the first page of the textbook.

The next Chem prac is so bloody long that I have no doubt it will be very tedious.

Day 8

Ting and I may be volunteering for Eminence. We took Albert (Turtle Boy's) posters (of Spirited Away) so he made us join the volunteers. Thank God it's after exams. I'm to help him stick the posters in the Girls' toilets.

How do they think of these places?

Day 7

We now officially have a Belgrave/Lilydale family. Lara, Philbert (haha), Will, Albert, Micheal (ie/ sideshow), Shinny (till Burnley), Ting and myself. So many people catch our line.

Will made up some stupid nickname for Philbert. Philbert called Will "little Willie" with Ting adding the "sugarpops". So now he's officially known as "Little Willie Sugarpops". It has a ring to it.

Day 6

Added guy Cheow (more preferably known as Cleatus the slack jawed yokel) on msn.

He informed me that he was going to train the shit out of us on Friday (we are trying to up our fitness levels in time for August Comp/Unigames). I told him that I was sure he could amuse himself by doing squats for an hour.

He said he likes squats. The bastard.

Day 5

Some random person who does not appear on my msn list started talking to me. The moment I saw "hey Yowie" I knew there could only be two options.

1) Sideshow Mike.

2) Wan.

After a couple of minutes of talking to a person I had no clue as to the identity of, I asked who this was. Strangely, it was Wan. HA.

Day 4

Turtle Boy is actually quite talented. He can make snowflakes during lectures in the space of a couple of seconds. But the scrap piece of paper needs to be large. However it ends up very pretty after he finishes jabbing/cutting/slashing/h

urting it.

Day 3

Pool again. Ting's ex-Mel High cronies are always up in The Pub. Within two seconds of the me and Lauren (the people who have no clue how to play pool) VS Ting and oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I've-forgotten-his-name Lauren and I won the game. We conclued that oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-I've-forgotten-his-name is colour-blind and can only see in tones. However, they didn't get pensed.

Oh I remembered his name. It's Yang.

Day 2

Step-sis is bugging me to take her to see The Da-Vinci code. So when international-student-who-works-at-my-dad's-fish-and-chip-shop called to ask if I wanted to see The Da-Vinci code I suggested he take her along instead as I have to study.

Day 1

Decided I need a day of relaxation from all the study I'd been doing for the exams.

Day 0

Realized I haven't actually studied for the exams.

---

Of course, I am glad that in reality, I still have 18 days left.

Conclusion: find me in the library (Ballieu, Boxhilll... I like the B's... but any other will also be fine. I would probably be lurking in the corner there. I wonder if Union House and The Pub count as libraries?).

I'm the happy flying pig on your left, my right, their front.

The disturbance in the air is due to my flapping wings.

Cheers,

-chao.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PUTTING THIS UP but here it is! But my first ever Blogger Blog (omg the embarrassment!!! Was that, like, ME writing???):

The first thing I haf to say here is that this is definitely not my first blog... as may of you have experienced, blogs are very hard to update all the time...consistantly. --, fine, I do noe some people who update it every day.... lol, ahha, and I'm definitely not promising that, but I will update once in a while... In a while o.O

Anyway, uh, my name is Chao, ppl call me many nicknames, mah Chinese one is xiao chao and chao chao *^_^* heheh, dun call me the latter, onli mah parents do, um, people call me chaoie, chaoey wowy... --".... uh chaocow, lol, I insist cows r cute! :P But there's also just plain old chao.

I'm in year 11, am a self professed weird chick, lol, but for that same reason people talk to me a lot, which is wierd too o.O. Hmmmm.

I dun think I can live without the net though I will haf to *force* myself to give it up next year- not healthy for the 99.95 ENTER I'm aiming for. :P jkjk

Well, actualli, my *mum* is aiming for. At the start, like a family friend got 91 for ENTER or sumdin and mums like, yeah, get above that. So I'm like yay! And then this chick got 97 percent and mums like, u betta beat her... so I was like....haha....right --. And then this other chick got 99.3 so mums like *glare* at me, and I'm like, yeah I know, I know, geez.

And then this stupid ex Mel. High boy (just the fact that he's from Mel. High says a lot dun it :P) got 99.4 sooo now...now....

I haf to beat him. Haha, not the literal hadns and fist beat, tho I could do that! Wait, no, scratch that, I would love to get mah hands on his stupid little Mel. high neck and wring it! After all, I'm a tyke-master :P

--

Parents!

But yeah it's Mothers Day on Sunday and I bought mummy a heater. And I had to lug this heater that was out half the size of me around at Box Hill centro and looked like a frickin headless chicken at the- you guessed it- where else more suitable than Red Rooster? -_______- Oh yes, I'm opposed to KFC, they treat their chicken bad and as a member of the headless chicken clan, I vote I want mah head bak!!!!-.-

Neewaiz, am goin out on Saturday with mummy to haf dinner, lol, she expects me to pay!! O.O Even though she's the one who wouldn't let me get a job resulting in mah now relative povness. Hahah, yes, relative compared to *some* people I noe! No names here or anything, lol.....

Wahahahhahahaha, buh trust me, there will be in the future! Allz for now~ buh-baiz! ^_^V

hugs n lotsa watermelon!! :P

This is Chaoie.

&We peace out.

- The Weapon -

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:26:13 GMT

The year is almost coming to an end.

I have changed, as people do- you know how the heart changes, the smile changes, the soul changes. The distance between who we are and who we want to be is not as far as we may think. For example, one person may say that we cannot reach the stars; they are too cold-brilliant-beautiful, they drape across the velvet sky like tiny, fluttering hearts.

They hang like hope, fall like raindrops, and shatter like glass.

And yet, another person may cup his hands with water, and murmur- look, I hold a star in my palm. Look, how it shines. Look, how lovely it is.

For me, where time has frozen, the past cannot be thawed. Where wounds have healed, scars refuse to fade. Where you once tread, footsteps remain. And so, in this world, from the lowest place on earth- of one thing I became certain.

Love is the sharpest blade of all.

Knowing this, I climbed out from where you had trapped me. I walked away from where you had hurt me. With a quiet sense of satisfaction, I rebuilt the walls you once tore down. And gently, ever so gently, I left you behind.

Thus, this year has ended.

-Skiein

- Small Things -

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 13:17:05 GMT

It's the little things we remember
It's the little things that catch
Sometimes it makes me wonder
If the fire remembers the match...

- Skiein

- Away -

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:38:50 GMT

Today was the first time I gave someone else a lift, and also the first time I filled up the petrol tank since mum left. Even with something as simple as that, I managed to remove the "hose" too fast and ended up wasting a couple of drops.

Sometimes the future appears daunting, and I can't seem to do anything right. I want to write, but I can never finish a story, I can't conclude and I can't make people want to read. I want to draw, but my drawings seem so lifeless and of course, nothing but a hobby. I want to pack my bags and take off, not have to worry about anything. Rent a little apartment somewhere, find a decent job and save up until I get my own set of keys. Turn over a new leaf, start out with nothing but my own company.

But of course, in life there are often many things that we want to do, should do, and even must do, yet we still find ourselves unable to do so.

气象预报说，今日天气晴。但，因为你只留给我背影。。。。所以，在我的眼里下了场大雨。

Something to ponder.

- Daydreams -

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 13:16:30 GMT

Found this pic on deviantart, and I really liked it. Inspiration, maybe (grins). She reminds me of the matchstick-selling girl from a fairytale I can't quite catch the name of. Like a butterfly, some things seem to flutter out of reach just when you need them.

Or, they happen to be not there at all.

Dreams are stupid, they really are. OH. Um, yeah, especially when they attach to you like they're blood-sucking leeches and you're a walking bag of type O blood. Wait, does that somehow make sense? =_=

- Skiein

- Bare -

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:12:14 GMT

Without a trace
Stripped of everything
In the end we're all

{Barely here.}

- Skiein

- Latest Work -

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:52:26 GMT

Latest work. Still looking for models.

You're killing me softly
With every breath.

- Skiein

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 12:58:55 GMT

Recently been into taking photos and photo-manipulation. Currently looking for some models (cough) COME TO ME YA PHOTOWHORES xddd I'm sick of working on pictures of myself from the damn webcam; I want to use my actual camera and photograph more interesting and photogenic people ._.

Anyhow, here's the dodgy work. Model: me (sweatdrop). Blah blah lighting blah.

- Skiein

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 18:01:26 GMT

Taken from my MySpace.

来个原创故事（？）吧。

你的爱是雨水，让我感冒了。

我的爱像天空，没有太阳就天黑了。

你的爱是一片海，有时跟玻璃一样透彻。

可是玻璃碎了，就很容易割到手指。

我的爱像大树，不会哭泣，只会落叶。

叶子乘风而飘觉得很美，可着地了就会被扫走。

你的爱是万家灯火，我却是站在路边的灰姑娘。

我的爱只是个小火柴，但能点亮整个天空。

知道的。。。

《天使好想给海豚一个吻，

可是情海那么神秘那么深

海豚想给天使一个拥抱，

可是天使的家住那么高。。。》

我是掉了翅膀的天使，而你是拥有了翅膀的海豚。

最后。。。

《天使好想去学会了游泳，

海豚在梦里飞到了半空中。。。》

你想说的话，在昨夜的梦中，我听到了。你在我面前时，应该说的话都没说，不应该说的话全说了。你的语言很残忍的。很无情的。很自私。很卑鄙。很无耻。很冷酷。

可是昨晚的梦，其实我清醒着，一点儿睡意都没有。所以，我预先知道你会这么做。所以，我知道你想保护我。所以，我哭了。

所以，今天你平静地说：“我要走了。”

我一滴眼泪也没流。

你紧紧地抱住了我，然后带着温柔的微笑说这是最后一次。后来，你真的走了，头也不回。

再后来。。。

我还是没有哭，却发现我的枕头是湿的。

我知道，那是因为你哭了。

- Skiein

- Goodbye, September -

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 08:06:40 GMT

///It would be rather nice if we could stop thinking whenever we felt like it, however, life would probably be a lot less fun that way/

- Skiein

★

Rough sketch on my lecture pad with Biro pen (fine, I admit it. I was drawing during lecture and not paying attention to the speaker). Came home, lineart-ed and (properly) coloured in Photoshop CS with my trusty ol' mouse (grin). Finished on 28th of August, originally part of pet Cloudie's present.

Everything in this pic is by me, including lineart (grin). Oh, but excluding the background brush.

Notes: I wish the colors on my laptop when I was CGing this applied to every computer. I've seen it on the University computers but the hair looks too yellow and the shading is off, however on my laptop it's just the right shade of pale blond and the shading is a grey brown ._.

★ Side Scene ★

September: Lookie! Look what I can do Shadow!
Shadow: =_= What? Stand around and look pretty?
September: WHOOOSH!
Shadow: ...
September: So what do you think?
Shadow: That's rather- uh- impressive.
September: Yeah! It is isn't it! (twirls)
Shadow: Sigh.
September: Um, Shadow?
Shadow: ?
September: Um um (twiddles thumbs) ... how do I get back down again?
Shadow: *faceplants*

★

Anyhow, here it is.

- Happy Birthday, A -

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 16:36:23 GMT

Today is A.'s 21st birthday, best of wishes and happiest of moments to him! I've sent over a post parcel to America, hopefully it gets there safe, sound and snugly wrapped.

What would be a good present in this sort of situation? I really don't know, though I tried my best (smiles). Guess it depends on the receiver and how well you know them.

///But really, I wonder if the best present I can give is to completely step out of his life...?

- Skiein

- Fairytale -

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 14:58:52 GMT

An interesting fairytale I read off somewhere.

Once upon a time, there was a love story between a strong boy tree in the forest, and an honest and innocent girl tree...

(Yes, I know trees are hemaphrodites, but that's why it's a fairytale.)

The two trees stood next to each other at the edge of the forest. No matter how much they loved each other, they couldn't touch one another. Sometimes though, the wind would blow, and their branches would touch. But the girl tree was still really sad.

One day, there was a fire in the forest, and the two trees were engulfed in flames. They both ended up dying, but as they were burning the two trees turned into one cloud of smoke and climbed into the sky. Even so, the girl tree was happy because the two trees were finally able to become one.

When I first read this, I remembered it as a terribly bittersweet ending. Hmmm, yep, it may have made me sniffle some and curses to the author XD Now, I'm envious of feelings like that :3

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

- Skiein

P.S. Deebee's 21st birthday party is tomorrow, so happy LATE birthday (her actual birthday was in August) to her. I can't believe I can't make the dinner because of work, and am now obliged to attending the clubbing component (sweats). "I ish POOR atm! Club=Money!" I cried. But then she fully GG'd me by saying entry for Ladies (scoffs, me? A lady? Ha!) is free, and that she expected me to crawl there if that's what I had to do (sweats some more). Zing!

P.P.S. I'm working two jobs now. Wonder if I can add two more to that? (grins) Also, safe trips to mah mumkins (my mum lol) for her trip to China. She's taking off on a plane this Sunday (finally- I mean, OH NOES, what am I to do?! I TOTALLY can't cope with living by myself! ._. )

- Quizzing -

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 08:47:37 GMT

Romanticism Assessment for Chao Shi Your Score is 52 Percent
		You appear to have a well-balanced romantic self. While you may get flutters in your stomach when you meet someone you are very attracted to, you do not let your romantic-self entirely dictate how you proceed. You will ask yourself if there is a chance this relationship will work before allowing yourself to fall in love. Even if you feel a romantic connection is viable from a practical sense, you will not just allow yourself to be swept away. You do not have many illusions about love. While you may feel a very deep attachment to someone, you know love rarely conquers all. You know successful relationships take work and compromise and a desire by those involved to make their relationship work. Candlelight dinners and words of endless love may be nice, but they don't pay the bills or get the dishes washed. The middle ground on the romanticism scale is neither entirely safe nor entirely lackluster. However it does not carry the weight of a romantic failure based upon being swooped off your feet. Nor is the middle ground so devoid of romanticism that you feel like you are living with a sibling. Also, there is quite a bit of evidence that with your outlook on romanticism your relationship has a very good chance of succeeding.

Oh dear. If I had taken this quiz last year I might have gotten a result of 80-100%. Judging from this though, it's not necessarily a bad thing that I did.

- Skiein

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 12:45:38 GMT

Usually I'm not afraid of being alone- it gives me time to do some thinking or just sit back and relax. But today, I was afraid to come home because I knew that there'd be no one waiting for me to get back. Strange, isn't it? Sometimes we just get overwhelmed by these little things and feel the need to rant about it, let it out.

One thing that annoyed me over the weekend was about shoes. Yup, those special(?) sneakers I wore practically every day (though now I'm usually seen toddling around in heeled boots >_> ) for two years. I think they were originally my cousin's sneakers but she never wore them so gave them to me. They've been through mud, swan poop (from the bottom of Albert Park Lake- don't ask) and heaven knows what else. They've been drawn on, highlighted and had silly crushes scribbled on the soles by various unnamed people. They used to be pearly white.

Somebody once said this: a good pair of shoes isn't about the brand or how expensive they are, but the fact they they make you want to wear them. No matter how old they get, how unfashionable or even if they have holes in them from being worn so much, you still can't bring yourself to throw them away.

Anyhow, so I was at my dad's place after a good night's work at the Fish and Chip place. Usually my lil sis and I have to stay late and wait for dad to drive stepmum, international student and stepsis home first... maybe that's to do with stepmum not really liking me that much(?). Dad finally got tired of that, and decided to drive me and my lil sis to Eltham train station first so we could train it home. Firstly stepsis was being immature and I love her and all but sometimes she's so "urgh" lol! She was like, how come you two get to go home early? (though for a couple of weeks we had to wait for ages after I sweeped/mopped floors etc for dad to drive everyone ELSE home and then come back for us) And then she's like, you two should only be paid half the amount because you're leaving early! I mean, fair enough, but the fact that we stayed behind after hours for so many weeks should make up for it. If anything, when dad drives everyone home I should be the one being driven since I have a lot of uni work AND have to wash dishes once we get home, but never did I complain about it. Until they go too far. Moving on, by the time I got home I was over the whole ficaso, so I placed my shoes on the rack and then lil sis and I just watched Shrek whilst waiting for the rest of the family to arrive home.

For some reason my stepmum had a fight or whatever with dad (as they do), so she was in a pissy mood (not that it was much different from her normal mood). The first thing she said was "WHO THE HECK PUT THEIR USELESS SHOES IN MY SPOT ON THE RACK?!" and my lil sis was like, "it wasn't me." So stepmum glared at me and was like, "I DON'T CARE WHOSE THEY ARE, BUT USELESS SHOES SHOULD BE THROWN AWAY OR PUT AWAY." WTFFF! As if only her shoes are "good enough" to be called shoes. As if other people's shoes aren't shoes. The cheek! fdjigjl;wdr (spasms)

How am I supposed to know that we suddenly have allocated "spots" on the bloody shoe rack of all things?! Plus, just because my shoes are old doesn't mean they're useless. It's like saying, "Oh btw mum, dad, you're too old now so I'm gonna have to chuck you in a retirement home." Ok, that comparison was a bit extreme but... the point is, my shoes are not "useless". I wear them to work, I wear them to uni. They're about the only things (other than boots) that go with my skinnies.

Another thing, why can't people just do their own dishes after eating?! I don't complain about washing dishes, but seriously when I've just washed a whole weeks' worth from mum's place and arrive at dad's only to wash MORE dishes (which they left from THURSDAY), and then at 11 o'clock finally get around to making a start on my assignment... AND THEN going back to mums on Sat/Sun only to find that she hasn't washed her dishes either (left from Friday), I get a bit frustrated. I can't believe they can just stand around and let their dishes pile up disgustingly like that. Mountains and mountains of dishes. WTFFF my life does NOT revolve around washing dishes, but it seems like that's all I'm doing every day. Wash in the morning, in the afternoon, after dinner. Tre sad.

When I was younger and more naive I used to think it would be good to move out with someone who cared about me and who I in turn cared about; let them save me and take me away. But in reality, if we want to get anywhere, if we want to escape... we can only depend on ourselves. Once we have a successful income and satisfying social life, we can do anything. The only reason why I am still "taking up space" at home is because, truthfully, I don't want mum to get lonely. However, I have to draw the line here: I'm a daughter, not a slave. Of course, I should do chores and stuff to help with my own maintenance, but is there really a need to go as far as to pile dishes up for an entire weekend just so I can come home and wash it?! I don't even get my own Youth Allowance money (which was supposed to be transferred to my bank account starting this year) because I feel that it's cruel to take away the money that mum is supposedly putting into her retirement fund. Surviving on 60 dollars a week isn't exactly easy, plus friends always want me to go out/eat out (not a bad thing, I like my friends) so money really just disappears. And this year, everyone's having 21sts... so need to save up for presents and stuff. This means that my "moving out" fund just isn't moving up. I may even have to take money out of it to give to mum so she can live comfortably during her holiday to China. Sigh. Well, I guess money can always be made back ^^ currently, I have around 1000-2000 dollars, and I'm yet to get my scholarship money in. I'm hoping scholarship money will cover for everyone's pressies (I love getting pressies for other ppl) this year, my monthly ticket of 80 dollars and uni food every day until I get a proper job. My dad has given me to get go on finding a job and being available on Fridays (though I still help him out now), so my monetary problems should see an end soon. Then again, I'm still hoping to get a car before moving out (sweats)

I guess my situation/drama/blah is a good thing as it motivates me to get an awesome (paying) job and be more independent. Truthfully, I have already become more independent- perhaps a little too much so. I'll update this with interview stuff some other time. Now I'm all out of steam (grins), so I'm off to do something less(?) productive i.e. play games/watch drama.

- Skiein (still flying)

- To Do -

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 02:29:00 GMT

"When you can't let go of someone, there must be a reason you are holding on."

- Anonymous

{& in this crazy life
& though these crazy times
it's you, it's you
you make me sing
you're every line
you're every word
you're everything}

TO DO LIST

1. Go Bungee/Bungy jumping.

"Please mess with my mind. In return I'll jump on yours."

2. Donate blood.

"I do hope they manage to find my vein."

3. Continue applying for better jobs. And save.

"Money makes the world go 'round."

4. Get a car.

"Go places."

5. Move out.

"Before menopause- not mine."

6. Graduate.

"Oh right. Almost forgot about that."

7. Get a GPS.

"I don't like feeling lost. I'm lazy."

8. Obtain a Scanner that is not as ancient as the ancient one I currently own (USB please).

"My drawings need to see my laptop; I need to see the sun."

9. Go back to primary school thinking.

"Let's do the time warp again."

10. Catch the other things I wanted to put on this list.

"I always seem to forget."

I'll (maybe) update this with what I've been up to (these days) later (smiles, at the moment am too lazy & tired)

- Skiein (flying, flying)

- Raging Storm - My Twilight Playground

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 10:59:49 GMT

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb…” he murmured.
I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
“What a stupid lamb,” I sighed.
“What a sick, masochistic lion.”

- Edward&Bella from Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

[RAGING STORM] is the title of my pet Twilight FanFiction (grins) This is also up on my www.fanfiction.net account, in case anyone misinterprets (cough cough i.e. accuses me of plagiarizing my own work lol). Sigh... it so happens that I am yet to think of a truly satisfying synopsis for it (help!) The story is set after New Moon and throughout Breaking Dawn (smiles)

Disclaimer: All original Twilight characters and events which occurred in the books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse) apparent/mentioned in this story belong entirely to the talented © Stephenie Meyer. However, this story and any new characters belong to me.

All characters and events in this story other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep,

Wrapped in all the promises

That no one seems to keep.

Prologue: Light It Up

Edward’s eyes burned red, like hell. Except hell was nothing compared to the expression of pure hatred etched across his inhumanly perfect face.

It was in that instant that I knew I was going to die. Killed by the hands which had once held me close, afraid to hurt me. Hands which had traced themselves lightly across my cheek and the same hands- his hands- which I had loved with every ounce of my being.

The pointed stick I’d managed to hoist up never wavered.

In a single, fluid motion, he lunged, tackling me to the ground. I clung onto the stake for dear life; in fact, it was the only thing that could save me. Save us. His glistening white fangs were centimeters away from my exposed neck, and I was intoxicated by the bitterly familiar sweetness of his breath.

As my lungs struggled to draw in air against the crushing weight on my chest, I twisted futilely under his immovable arm.

I gasped painfully; I was choking, I was dying.

Water dripped from a leaky pipe. The sound echoed and rebounded off the concrete walls, forecasting the steps to my demise. Slowly, Edward lowered his head towards me. I remembered every detail: the way his long lashes had caught some dew and curved like dark crescents against his cheekbones, his strong grip bruising my shoulders, blue veins standing out against his pale white skin… and his lips. Yes, his lips- at times unyielding, at times pressed against my own almost feverishly, but always, always so gentle. I’d seen him smile, I’d seen him grimace, I’d seen him frown. His every little habit had been imprinted on my mind with the force of a sledgehammer thrown against a thin pane of glass.

But this furious, insatiable hunger- it was something I had never seen before. Something he had never let me see before.

My body tensed, anticipating the pain that would surely come. His cool lips brushed the sensitive hollow at the base of my throat. And suddenly, his narrowed eyes widened. The horror in his gaze was too evident as glowing ruby red melted into liquid sunshine.

The corner of his mouth lifted brokenly, his beautiful smile marred by a sad, aching tenderness. Time seemed to slow as I felt his marble cold hands wrap around my own for one last time.

“Kill me,” Edward whispered hoarsely, his voice cracking.

And plunged the stake towards his heart.

Silently, his hands dropped away from mine. Almost as noiselessly, my fingers reached for the lighter I already knew would be inside my pocket.

His final words resonated in the damp air, each lingering syllable draping over the other until nothing made sense anymore.

"You promised."

- Lost Moon -

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 10:39:13 GMT

A video by the talented Caccasandra on Youtube. This is supposed to be about the second book (New Moon) of the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer, and I think it ties in quite well with the book. Although the second book was far from my favorite due to the long period of time where Bella allowed herself to become "nothing" without Edward (I felt like that part dragged on too much and literally wanted to shake some sense into Bella as she was annoying the crap out of me... truthfully, reading those chapters almost made me give up on finishing the book. Plus, there was too much Jacob and not enough Edward *pout* lol... though the ending was worth the drag-on and I can see why the author decided to put her readers through that), I still enjoyed it. Caccasandra's video portrays the loneliness and build up of pain leading to Bella's ultimate decision nicely. I'm thrilled to have found this short video whilst waiting for the Twilight Movie- due to be released on the 12.12.08.

The thing about the series though- I admit that the writing style isn't top notch; and at times can be tedious and devoid of "life"... however, the simpleness allows the plot and emotions to be communicated more clearly to the reader; the simple sentences allow the reader to become immersed within the tale itself. Stephenie Meyer might not be the best/most talented writer around, but she's certainly a gifted story-teller. Another thing about the series is that it has the primary focus trained on Bella and Edward's relationship, and this focus hardly wavers, resulting in the other characters (such as friends etc) seeming to be under-developed. I'd say it's an easy, non-challenging read... but a satisfying story. And that Stephenie Meyer's writing has seen marked improvement in New Moon as to the first book (Twilight), with some really skillfully written chapters... especially when expressing the "broken" state Bella was left in when Edward decided to remove his existence from her life (but the Bella's "broken-ness" chapter/s dragged on just a touch too much for me *grimaces*).

Anyhow, Breaking Dawn, the last book in the series, is due to be released in ten days! I hope the ending will be one which leaves me feeling: wow, the story is "complete", and of course, one that I wish to read. However, these things are decided by the author...

Some extracts of pleasantly scintillating writing from New Moon:

“Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.” He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

There was a pause as I repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent.

“You… don’t… want me?” I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

“No.”

***

"Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you. I'd been broken beyond repair."

- Bella

***

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

***

I was like a lost moon- my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation- that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

***

I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

***

I didn’t have to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere—know, and respond to, whether I was awake or asleep… or even dead, I’d bet. The voice I’d walk through fire for—or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for.

***

“Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

- Edward

***

And now... here are the lyrics (I can personally relate to these lyrics too, which makes me even fonder of them) of the compelling song driving Caccasandra's video:

.[Storm]. by Lifehouse

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water
You will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

Everything is alright
Everything is alright

I'll probably be posting more Twilight Related videos I find in future entries XDDD especially ones that include songs I love. Pwahahaha~

- Skiein

P.S. Now I'm back to trying to finish off my Wine Pracbook due tomorrow (*sweatdrop*)... so many questions to do >_<

Oh and aside from heading to Uni to hand in the Pracbook tomorrow, I'm also going to the good Doctors to (hopefully) get something done about my (very) painful back.

- Growing Up -

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 05:00:38 GMT

1) No matter how many walls you put up, I'm just going to rip them down again. *smirk-y smirk*

2) No matter how many lies you told me, I know.

3) No matter if you did the "right" thing or the "wrong" thing, life has funny little ways of letting you find out the truth... even if you don't want to.

The moment you made the choice was during the song "Only Love". I can kind of understand; perhaps this will make things easier for the both of us- to be ourselves without restraint. Where my life takes me- I shall follow. But if it tries taking me to somewhere I don't want to be, life is going to have a heck of a hard time attempting to throw me over its shoulder and kid-napping me lol.

I want to say, if people surrender loving because they're afraid their love will run out and will hurt another person it's silly... of course, to protect someone from being hurt is a really brave/right/good thing to do and all, but most of the time, people don't need protection. We make our own mistakes, we get hurt, we break our hearts (oh yesh we do, and we may even do it many times)... but all this makes us stronger; this is what makes life more interesting. It adds an layer of depth to who we are. Because we feel, we are better at understanding and caring for others- our core values and morals stand and develop into quaint little wisdoms that may be of use to not only ourselves, but those we love. To remove these painful aspects will not aid the personal growth and development of an individual. The right thing to one person may be terribly wrong for another. Oh oh and being good is boring lmao (nopies, I'm not going to be good/quietly compliant so I'm warning you: watch out! Mwaha... mwaha... mwahahahaha~~~ evil is much more my style- the good kind of bad, the gasp-y kind of naughty)~ haha XD

Almost all relationships go through a period of "running out of love"; but the important thing is the feeling now. If you really like a person today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, then why second-guess the distant future (which is meant to be unpredictable) thinking that you may not be able to continue liking them? Why waste now worrying about the tomorrow which may not even exist/be the way you think it will be?

Zomg, and WHY does the above two paragraphs sound like the plot of the Twilight Series? Especially book 2 (New Moon)?!! *runs around flailing arms* I want my own Edward Cullen *pout pout* Bella? Bella who? >_>

Anyhow, the point is, after a night/day of rolling around (intimately) together, the decision was still to do the "right" thing. Yeah, guys tend to like doing the right thing, even if everything else screams out otherwise (not that anything was screaming, more wriggling XDDD). I rather like the idea of having a "huggy friend" until then; it's quite cute. And... it doesn't restrain us. It is true, when we are starting anew in something, we are afraid of looking into the past- to find that we miss home, miss our friends and family- somehow just thinking about the people we've temporarily left behind makes it even harder... because they are not with there us. So we want to forget them because it's easier to remove emotional attachment; we sub-consciously put up walls to keep these people at arms length. When I just started uni (first year), I also felt a sense of wanting to have nothing to stop me from making new guy friends, or just new friends in general. I wanted to be able to do this without feeling a sense of responsibility- that I shouldn't be- and without feeling any guilt. For me, if I do something I don't think is right/responsible for me to do, I feel guilty... that is why with relationships I'm dedicated. But what I've learned is that dedication can be kept inside the heart- in fact, many things can be kept inside the heart- because although we may not say it out loud/act it all the time, the other knows. In some ways, it is like trust... trusting in what your partner says, believing in what their gaze tells you rather than what their words are; words are misleading. Anything can be misleading when it's displayed on the outside, but no matter how deeply buried or how deftly concealed- the things on the inside do not lie.

Now, about moving on from this all... once again, I am not in a rush. Even though A. has said that we should both try hard to meet new people, find better boyfriends/girlfriends, I am not swayed from my lovely stroll through life's path. I will not look harder, work harder to please someone, because they should like me for who I am. But if I meet the right person, I know that I will want to try harder to make them happy and to be together with them (most likely they will make me want to be a better person)- that's what happens when you like someone. But as I said in my previous entries: no matter what other people think of me, there is no rush. I will not jump on the bandwagon. When I like someone, I want to try my best, but that would not be possible if my heart still hasn't completed the process of healing. Still, I enjoy meeting new people and making new friends... but not with the bf possibility in mind; to start off simply as friends, then good friends then close friends. And then, whatever happens happens, and what doesn't happen doesn't happen =_= lmao~ I'm just saying- like you, I'm not going to restrain myself. But I will stick by my morals. There's nothing we can do except sit back and see where this "huggy friendship" (kyaaa) leads us... because when/if you return, it will surely have lead us to some expected/unexpected point.

People say that fate is destined; we only have one path to walk. I say, once again, that "fate is building a bridge of chance for the future". Many times, the path changes- how can a bridge built of chance not change? The chance that I will meet someone is 1 out of the 6680 million people currently on earth. Now, that's something pretty special if I do meet this person. But the chances that the someone I met actually becomes someone I "go out with"? The possibility is so slim that for this to happen is, frankly, nothing short of phenomenal. And still, life has already given me two of these chances; it works in strange ways. I'm sure that life hasn't stopped giving out these chances to me, but chances can only have substance when we act on them *smiles* Another disturbing logic is that we don't really have much time to spend with those we love. Say, we live to 60 years. Approximately half of that time, we spend sleeping/daydreaming/doing nothing. That leaves 30 years. The first 15 years of our lives we are not likely to fall into romantic relationships. That leaves 15 years. Now, from those 15 years, let's take into account the amount of time we spend showering, eating, working. The final number is quite "thin"... say 10 years (if you're lucky enough to work with the person you love). It's kind of freaky to think I've already spent 2 of those 10 years *sweatdrops*

But then again, this is just in theory.

For more of a Chinese theory about fate. Traditionally, we believe in reincarnation. It is said that every time you meet and have a relationship with someone you love, the two of you need to have spent the last 10 lives just walking past each other on the street... strangers. But every time that happens, fate builds up. From strangers to acquaintances to friends to more than friends... that's a lot of lives to gain enough fate to enable the meeting and converging of two parallel lines. Some lines are like two like poles of magnets, no matter how hard you try to keep them together they still repel and spring apart the moment you let go. Other lines are like water, able to change course with the slope and rise of the ground; two small streams are able to form one big stream. I guess that's why they say: two sad people make one happy person (okay, maybe that's just something I say). More easy to understand is that two lonely people make company. It's hard to get our minds around but never the less...

Back to the simple existence of your resident flying pig now (that's me, Skiein). I think if we just take our time (even after the whole paragraph about how little time we have) and leave life to its devices, we will have a lot of chances. We can't set conclusions to what will happen in the future... as A.'s recent return has shown me (and us all): the future can be mind-blowingly unpredictable- and I don't think that's something we should try to (or rather- CAN/are able to) change. Life is generous, I've realized. To me, it always has been, and always will.

Life is like a benevolent mother, allowing me to make mistakes, to be hurt, to face the real world and then when I'm tired and broken... bandaging my wounds for me. If my heart wasn't able to be shattered, I'd have never learned how to find the pieces and patch it back together; how, with every day- the heart grows. How pieces of the heart are not fixed but alive and capable of change- enlarging or shrinking.

Life is like a stern teacher, telling me to pick myself up when I fall, forcing me to keep going even if I thought I'd reached hell, and dishing out painful rewards if I repeat the same mistakes again and again. If I hadn't picked myself up when I fell, if instead there were arms to hold me or I'd run to the nearest safe and willing refuge, then I wouldn't be as strong and good as I am now; I wouldn't have learned to stand on my own and be happy. I wouldn't have learned to walk or run without support.

But most of all, in these short 6 months...

Life has become my gentle guardian.

Life... allowed me to grow up.

- Skiein

P.S. Life, please continue to look after me!

- For You -

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:00:40 GMT

I'm going to borrow a friend's words to describe my feelings today:

"For you, I changed.
For you, I lied.

For you, I pretended.
For you, I was silent.

For you, I was numb.
For you, I laughed.

For you, I betrayed.
For you, I fought.
For you, I screamed.

For you, I dreamed.
For you, I soared.
For you, I tried.

For you, I spoke.
For you, I smiled.
For you, I sighed.

For you, I feared.
For you, I prayed.
For you, I loved.

For you, I hoped.
For you, I shattered.
For you, I was whole.

For you, I cried.

This one’s for you.
You, who made me what I am today. You, who showed me what reality was. And for you, who broke down all the walls."

People change other people; through our experiences we learn and grow. Someone did, in fact, break down all my walls... but now there's nothing to protect what those walls once guarded over. A breath of air feels twice and cold, a gentle touch feels like coals searing into my skin, a soft word seems like a thousand daggers slashing against my ears. With this new found intensity, I now live life.

For you, who broke down all the walls.

And for you, who walked away.

- Skiein

- The Stars Are Falling -

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:22:14 GMT

~ The stars are falling, and I'm here to catch them ~

PiggieFish incorporated- PigFish inc. for short is what I've decided to name Piggie and Fishball. Or maybe something more creative, like FishTrotter & Co. Propriety Ltd. *claps hands eagerly* Let's take a vote shall we? All for FishTrotter please raise your fin- I mean, hand. My brain is tired. It's telling me to shut up and sleep... uh oh... great, and now it's angry because I'm being a rebellious human. Poo. I hate it when I start holding animated conversations with my brain, it's not normal.

Back to the reality aspect of my wonderful life: I've made two new friends in my Wine-Connoisseur-to-be course! This is wonderful as I thought I'd have to embark on this journey to the differentiation between Chardonnay, Blanc de Noir, Sauvignon Blanc and Reisling and Viognier (all forms of white wine in case you were wondering... the reds are harder to tell apart) alone. Actually, I'm quite pleased about choosing to take this course, because it's surprisingly interesting (not to mention we tasted and spat out more than 900 dollars worth of wine in one Prac session, and we've had six Pracs so far) and the lecturer is really good. It's like WOW, I'm not bored! Admittedly, I was really sleepy after the first day because the lecture rooms are temperate (oops, I mean warm, too many wine-y climates for me) and I sleep at 2am and get up at 7am for lectures&pracs from 8am-9PM, then back to dinner, sleep etc. the cycle continues. Anyway, I feel like I just click with these two girls, it's a pleasant feeling. Kind of like the "bottled sunshine" everywhere else in the world likes to call Australian Wine, or "a peacock spreading its tail", "purity and simplicity". I don't think "blood and concrete" applies in this situation, however. Want me to explain? Never mind, it's a wine thing >_>

I've decided that I am actually kind of happy in my current circumstances. Sometimes, like in the previous entry, I get a little emo/stressed/needy, but I attribute that to PMS. I don't PMS, I just feel like it'd be nice if I had someone I could depend on. Anyway, as a brief intro to my two new buds:

Minty: A very blunt girl, I like her dress sense and she acts so grown up XDDD (or maybe that's just the Audi she drives around lol). Took her two years to get over her ex., who was very materialistic because he came from a wealthy family (wealthier than her own, and I assume she's not poor) and tended to always want to show that HE was the one in control of their relationship- this came in the forms of not holding hands with her, instead always linking her arm through his. Even when they did hold hands, he'd find a way to swing his arm around and force her hand through his arm. At social events he'd even hold onto her belt, which is kind of extreme. His family- the dad was nice, but the mum was overprotective- her son could do no wrong AND she was jealous (it happens). Anyhow, for a couple of months now Minty's been seeing another guy, but they are not "official" because... the guy is leaving to London for two years. Uh-oh, sound familiar? All I could say to her was, "if you like him and he likes you, isn't the answer simple?" Nothing is forever; we only live today. Although my long distance relationship didn't work out, I still don't regret giving it a try... after all, I'd have regretted it more if I never tried- you don't know what's going to happen until it happens. True, if you let yourself depend on the guy, if you be "official" and he leaves, it'd probably hurt ten times as much, but it's better than always wondering about what could have been. But this guy really likes her, I think, because he offered to take her to London with him... but she refused because she's career driven- and she grew up in Australia- friends, family.... she'd love to travel for the experience but logically speaking it wasn't rational to say yes. I'm glad that after two years, she's found a guy who genuinely cares.

Selfishly though, hearing her story also makes me feel kind of normal- most of my friends are like, why not just go out with another guy? Or make out with a random because there's no emotional ties? It's already been 4 months... but these things take time. And I've decided to take my time, I believe that someone will find me by accident, or I them... but I'm in no rush to prove myself to others, to "shout" weee~ look at meee I'm totally OVER my ex lalala it's brilliant- having the time of my life here, or to prove to other people/my ex that other guys want me and jump on the bandwagon. Of course, in the beginning there was the notion, OMG, if he gets a gf before I get a bf... ... but I'm past that now. Even if A. goes out with another girl, it won't affect me or what I do. I'm still going to take my time- true happiness takes time. I pretty clear what my feelings are, and when I'm truly able to give everything to another person again, when I WANT to give to another person again, I will. But I'm not going to give even if I'm ready to emotionally- that is, not if it's not the right guy, y'know? I'm not fussed if people think I'm not getting a new bf because I'm not over my ex, or if they think I can't get a guy lmao *smiles* I know how I want to go about things, and I know where I'm heading (in my own slow, decent way) XD

Back to Minty though, I admire her ability to stand up for herself when she believes she is right, I like the directness; the let's take the shortest path and get to the point instead of taking long winding paths and months to get to where you want to go. The difference between shooting an arrow straight through the heart (whoosh) and someone pushing in a knife slowly, twisting the blade when it gets stuck.

Bubbles: My first impression of Bubbles is that she's so genuinely nice. She's more quiet than Minty (we can get quite chatty) but she's very cute. Bubbles has never had a boyfriend before, but her mum seems to be the type who will embarrass her if she ever decides to introduce them to her parents- apparently her mum asks her friends about how much they earn etc. when they go over... she says she's had bad luck- they guy she liked didn't like her, the guy who likes her she doesn't like... at some point in time we all feel that way. It's funny because we three are all in different stages of our emotional lives...

Like Minty though, Bubbles is easy to talk too. When we have breaks from the Wine course, we three sit around and chat about a lot of things- it's so easy to talk and convo flows. I find them really interesting to listen to as well... this makes me ponder exactly what it is that makes A. think that we can't hold conversations? Maybe he thinks he's too boring, or that I am.

Friends talk about anything and it's still fun and interesting- Minty, Bubbles and I talk about: cars (we ranted about Audis, Mercedes, RX8s, and how P-platers driving expensive cars need to be careful, how some people are stealing petrol nowadays, the cost of the various cars, manuals and autos), movies/drama/anime (Rush Hour, Gossip Girl, T.V. shows, Simpsons, Spiderpig etc), singing random old songs (Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow~ you're only a day away~) , family, friends and countless other topics. The thing is, when we're talking, we'd all remember random things/experiences to input and then get distracted by our own words and end up talking about something completely different. Lmao, we do NOT have a collective short attention span. Cough.

I was quite prepared at the start of this week to get through this by myself, but I'm glad I broke out of the PMS anti-sociality/gloom and met these wonderful people *dances* I can't believe Minty and I are doing the same course (Animal Science), and we only started talking because of Wine~ and don't even remember seeing each other until this year! Strange, how paths can suddenly cross. Just as suddenly, they can come back to a parallel point. Small world- sometimes we don't even notice the awesome people right beside us!

Lastly, today whilst walking back home from the train station I saw the first star of the night. I've knighted it as "my star of happiness"... seeing it makes me feel happy and looked after (someone up there's looking out for me, someone's being kind to me) XDDD (btw, hey you up there~ fog is nice too, like the thick fog there was this morning) ^_~

I'll leave today's entry with the lyrics from a song...

~:~ 2 a.m. and the rain is falling ~:~
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be?
You're asking me

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
~:~ If we give enough, if we learn to trust... ~:~

- Skiein

P.S. Ever since I finished Eclipse (the newest book in the Twilight series, next book due to be out in September~ whoot), I've been searching for a new read, and fell back to L.J. Smith... I remember when her books came out fast, but still, even back then, they were not as fast as Stephenie Meyer's book releases (knock wood, don't want to jinx it). I'm itching to Fanfic Twilight, but Twilight is hard to work with as compared with L.J.'s Night World Concept or Vampire Diaries series because it has less characters- the books are based mainly on Bella and Edward, the other characters aren't too fleshed out. Though I'd like to write something about that little girl Vampire... Jane XDDD She's so evil wahahaha~ *fingers itch*

Anyhow, I have to say I'm disappointed in reading L. J. Smith's short stories etc. on her official website... because the style is just so different now... and not necessarily changed for the better. Her old writings such as that displayed in The Night World series was more tongue in cheek humor and irony, the stories were simple but charming and captivating... but now... I can hardly believe the writings posted on her site are written by my beloved author (harsh as it is, none of her currently posted writings hold my interest- doesn't help that the chunks of words aren't paragraphed)... which leads to me not holding much expectation for the writing quality of Strange Fate (much anticipated last book in Night World series), though I'd still buy it and read it (waited on this book since Grade 6 or 7, I'm THIRD YEAR UNI now omg)... anyhow, I'm scared to be disappointed by comparing this new release to her older works *sweatdrop*

Still, I'm going to the local Borders store to search for the new LJS Night World and Vampire Diary Omnibus releases XD (the twelve year old me originally planned to buy the Night World series when it was completed, but book 10 kept getting its publishing date pushed back so I, as of yet, don't even own one LJS book *pout* - I guess this is a good thing in the sense that I can get the whole series THIS YEAR- hopefully- with similar covers lol)~~~ wish me luck in finding the little treasures! xox

- Stormdancer -

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 07:45:52 GMT

~ The world was quiet and still, but I was dancing on the edge of the storm ~

When will I find my peace? I am wrapped up in a cruel tornado of nothings, always seeking, yet never finding.

I realise I am a person of many facades, which I sub-consicously display. I might act dumb, silly, cute, sexy, naughty, smart, wry, cynical, romantic, innocent, deranged, crazy, logical, calm, emotional, sick, dry, sarcastic, bitchy. And I can pull them all off perfectly. The problem is, with so many faces to this diamond in the rough, the diamond kinda gets lost underneath everything else. Which can be considered sad.

If I were to evaluate myself, at current it would be lacking. Lacking love. All my life I've seen and experienced things which make it impossible to believe in the one thing that could bring me back, and perhaps, the one thing necessary. Many may argue the point- is love really necessary? Well. For sure, I'm still breathing and having fun... maybe it's because I've never been a secure person- I was never brought up that way. People were constantly coming and going in my life, nothing was permanent. I learned to depend on myself. But when it happened that I began to depend on another person, be it friends, family or whomever, they never stuck around for long enough. I admit it. Recently it's getting too much for me to deal with everything, coming at me from all sides... alone. I really want to have someone I can lean on, even just for a while. The hardest part is that, of course, there's no one. Friends... but everyone has their own lives, it's no use bothering others with mine. Still, it's getting tiring trying figuring out where the real me went, where everyone else went, and what I'm left with now.

Moving on from that morbid little lament, I finished reading the third book in the Twilight series, Eclipse. True, the writing style isn't exactly scintillating, but I enjoy the story line. I find the main character a little too flighty and her tendency to over-dramatise things gets me to me. But Edward is always so there, his presence is of great comfort to our heroine. There were some eye dropping parts (as in, they made me yawn and roll around in bed to wake myself up again), and others were truly eye opening. Imagine, trying to seduce a stone statue. The ending was a little anti-climatic, but I can feel a little more twist is impending, the next book in the series is due to be out in September. I don't quite remember where I got that info. from, but I'll trust it. I need another good book, I have lack of internet at my dad's place and it's proving to be tortorous. There's so many things I want to download since I discovered thepiratebay lmao~~~ XD

I've met A. a couple of times since he returned to this half of the world; I liked my Cornell jumper, it was a really nice gift. I wonder if I'll get the chance to wear it though- maybe when I get around to getting up at 6am to exercise with my dear little sweetpea Diry, who should be back from Hong Kong (of all places) soon. Anyway, the first two meetings with A. were ok, just talked as friends (yay), however the last time was a tad awkward. What should have been a six person buffet outing at Crown ended up being Piggy and Fishball (the well known lovey-dovey couple) and me and A. (because Melon pulled out due to stomach troubles from excessive hot pot cramming the day before).

But from my point of view, part of what made up the awkwardness is that A. kept somehow or rather insinuating/hinting, that we (that is, me and him) can't hold conversations for more than five minutes (cough- wow, that's the longest convo we ever had- cough).

Eating and reminescing was a little nostalgic, and automatically I put on my "I'm stupid" farce. HA. Don't ask me why, but A. tends to have that effect on me. Anyhow the talk at dinner was pleasant enough, the jibes were all too familiar. There was a lot of laughter and stupid jokes (of which none were my doing, don't you look so pointedly in my direction), but after dinner there was a little relief (or disappointment?) at the announcement that I was indeed not heading over to Bokkie but rather training it back to dad's place. But waiting for the tram was awkward, the conversation ran dry (or maybe he was getting sleepy from the coffee flavoured ice-cream) and Piggy&Fishball- oh look, it's one word!- were cuddling on the seat over. Trying to engage in some intelligent sounds proved almost impossible because it was back to the one word answers/ why are you talking when we can't hold conversations attitude (the attitude was gone during dinner but back with a force at the tramstop). Clumsy as I am, I managed to get my scarf stuck in the zip of my bag, which no matter how much I tugged, stubbornly refused to come loose. After getting red faced and cursing mentally, I asked habitually asked A. to take a look at it before my mind could pause to think. Per usual, A. managed to fix it within a couple of seconds, complaining to Piggy&Fishball, "I fix stuff. That's why I went out with Chao." A joke, surely, but still, ZING! Lol~ and then because I don't have the right to hit him anymore since I'm not anything to him nowadays, he had to add, "You can't hit me anymore (nyanyanya)", making it sound like he's thrilled to be out of my abusive grasp rofl~ ok, I might be abusive but ZING again. That's GG to that.

However, it's good that were on amiable terms bloggie, me and A., but every time I mentioned that on msn he manages to bring up the fact that the last time he checked I hated his guts (rememeber the angry heat of the moment emails)...

All in all, it was a good run that night. I'm sure the prawn population of the Atlantic ocean has been reduced by half. HAHAHA. Anyhow, I have to return one last book to A. sometime after this killer week (it's called The Memory Keeper's Daughter, I'm sure you would have heard of it). I can't believe I forgot to bring the book on buffet night, but there you have it- I forgot.

Lastly, I wish there was a way for broken up couples to maintain the "closeness" wothout the gf/bf part, but this is... seemingly... impossible. Since, well, it has already been concieved in his mind that we have nothing to talk about, and even in our relationship we never talked. I, on the other hand, remember talks long into the night and the smell of leather and car, but true, it could be my memory deceiving and failing me in my old age. Or it could be just the other person trying to deny they ever felt something special and worthwhile. This is, understandable. I'd like to deny everything too but I've given up on denial XDDD

Whatever happens, that's all in the past. We're all different now, changed. Some aspects remain the same, but I will work harder to be more myself and less like the whatever farce I tend to put up when I'm with whatever people.

That is once I... well, just give me a mo' to find myself first okie? *grins*

Must go, classes finsh at 9PM and break is almost over. I've been at uni since 9am. Urgh.

Can someone give me a break? DON'T rain on me on the way to practical (on the other side of bloody uni). I'm feeling rainy enough as it is, thank you very much.

- Skiein

- Butterfly Effect -

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 08:23:07 GMT

~ We can not do great things. We can only do little things with great love ~

-Mother Teresa

Exams are almost over, I only have one more to go, and one whole week to prepare for it... sooo today, is Chaoie's relaxation/bumming day! Yay!

I recently got a new digital camera (sony ftw), I can't wait to use it and then play around with some pictures on Photoshop. I'm particularly interested in trying to make specific objects in the photo coloured against a black and white background. Anyway, hopefully we'll see the first of my photos on this blog soon ^_^

Been thinking lately, I wonder how I can become a better friend? I know with my friends I don't express my appreciation and luffles all the time, because it's kind of mushy and embarrassing ;-; but I want to be able to do something more for these lovely people. Maybe just something small to show them how glad I am to have their friendship, because it's their smiles and voices which light up my every day and make me realize the world really has been very kind to me.

I feel sad knowing that sometimes... maybe... I've not been a good friend. I try my best and hardest, but sometimes it's easy to fall out of contact with friends simply because we don't see each other every day or go to the same university. It's so hard to organize catch-ups and coffee meets but when we do meet up, even if we all haven't seen each other for half a year, we're still able to chat as though we've never been apart. And I guess, true friendship is like that, and because it's so close, so reliable, so... there... when we need it, think of it, feel it, we know of its existence without even having to look... and so it is often overlooked simply because in our hearts we are just so sure that our connection to each other is too strong to break. There is such a quote, worth pondering and for a lot of people, I think it would benefit them to understand:

~ The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost ~

-G. K. Chesterton

The above quote is one that, I think I've learned over the years. Anyhow, it's hard for me to express my thoughts verbally to my friends so I was thinking, dear bloggie, to get everyone a special little something...

Hmmm... I remember when I was little, being good friends meant that you always had a partner during class activities, always had someone to sit with at lunch or share icy-poles/bags of lollies from the canteen with. It was easy to show affection because best friends just went around holding hands or wearing best friend necklaces. Sometimes we'd even braid our own friendship bracelets. On our notebooks for all the world to see would be words such as "XXX and XXXX, best friends 4eva!"...

In wonderment I now see how simple it is for children to show love, affection, how easy it is- for a child- to tell someone they care about them. To voice thoughts aloud. Expressions were so earnest and every emotion written so obviously across young, innocent faces. But now, as adults... this wonderful simplicity we once possessed seems to have eluded us. We think too complicatedly of what others would say if girls went around holding hands with each other, or if a guy and a girl who once went out can be friends. It is just a state of mind- if you think of them as friends, and treat them as such, then how can they not be? To you, they already are. And that's the most important thing.

Even if other people... in fact, even if they themselves see you as something less than a friend, it's not your business to worry. If we give, we will receive. Still I believe that in the end, good people will surely find their happiness. Sometimes we all need to stick to our own emotions rather than allow our feelings about certain people or situations to be changed by the words, opinions or views of others, well meaning though they might be.

Laughing at how silly I've been, when the answer is so... natural.

With most things though, people don't want to e the one giving, or the ones working more... but if all people were like that, then this world would be a very sad place I think. Although sometimes I may doubt myself and others because they do not seem to try as hard as I am, or give as much of themselves to me, I think I always know that in my heart, I'd never be able to be someone who I am not. Everyone expresses the way they care, their emotions in different ways- this is something I've learned and accepted, maybe a bit too late.

Some people prefer to hide everything in their hearts and keep to themselves. For these people, special, persistent and probably at first highly annoying others are needed to keep hammering at the lock until it opens, and what you will find is that what they show to the world as a blackened box, when opened, you'll see the most beautiful rainbow you have ever come across. It is never too late to retrace our steps... there is a saying in Chinese which I will somehow attempt to explain: In front of you, the sea seems endless, but if you just spare a look back, you will see the shore. For me, this saying means that no matter if we've done something we regret, or something we think makes us a bad person, there is always hope. Even though some situations which life throws at us makes it seem impossible to turn back from the path we chose, even if it appears too late to be "good" and we can only continue to make heavier and heavier mistakes because there is no exit from the path to hell... if we can take a step back, we will feel the earth pushing up against the soles of our feet. We will see the way out. There is redemption.

I think I may have a few regrets this year: I will be sad if I lose anyone who is/was once close to me. I will be annoyed at myself if I don't get good scores for all my exams- even though I probably don't deserve good scores since I studied the night before (again). I will be disappointed if I can't find the courage within myself to improve some family situations. And... I'll be sad, annoyed, disappointed, angry and happy at the same time if I see...

But one thing is for sure. Friends will always be friends, those who we hold close will not suddenly be so far away that we cannot see them. If any of my friends are drifting helplessly, I will jump into the ocean and pull them back to shore.

Although the past is past, the present may be still a little painful, and the future something we have no idea of, the good times and memories will always be cherished and hold a place in our hearts. That place may become hidden or almost intangibly small with the passing of time and build up of fresher, and perhaps nicer, new memories, but no matter how much we try to deny its existence, it is like a stubborn child, refusing to be erased. No disease will be able to take away something which was once a part of us, and the past events that make us who we are today will always be a fundamental basis of our spirit, upon which the future you, and the future me will be built.

My past contains pieces of me- some jagged edges, some smooth; my present is like a giant, incomplete jigsaw puzzle fitted with these pieces... and my future, I see in the the many unfilled spaces.

Even if past memories become blurred, feelings change, our responses slow, we grow older, hopes worn thin, our dreams scatter or the world seems unrelentingly cold- I know that in that corner of my heart there will forever be a trail of summer butterflies frozen in motion:

The feeling of happiness.

First Photo with my new Camera ^_^

xox Chaoie

- A Little Kindness -

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:47:26 GMT

~It is with the heart that one sees rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye~

The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The Little Prince is a book well worth reading. It's been a long time since I've found a book that makes me think back to its words long after the last page has been turned and its covers closed.

Recently I was reading up on some material for one of my stories, and was delighted to find in the local bookstore a trove of wonderful writings. Some happy, some sad, some heart-wrenching and some that make my spine tingle with anticipation. Some reinforced what I always believed, whereas others went in the total opposite of my own morals. During that period of time, I sat down and read 30 pages from each of the ten books I had beside me, and realized what a wonderful thing it is to be able to learn from these books. Once again, I was acutely aware of the joy of learning.

It is a sad truth that school and university life in particular has gradually managed to wear away my willingness to learn. Majoring in a science course, many of the expected writings are tedious repetitions of research done by other people, and the expected use of the same terminology again and again took away much the delight in learning. Reading 50 reports, each just as dull as the other- which is about as dull as an old boot- really does nothing for the inquisitive mind.

I've come to realize that for a lot of people, actions do not match up to their words. Even myself, I'm always saying how I will study hard during the semester to do well on the exams, but I always end up cramming knowledge down the back of my throat the night before. Other times, words do not match up to action. Often I hear people say, "even though he acts that way, I know he loves me" or "even though he says that, I know from his actions...". I used to be one of the people who questioned- why? I couldn't understand how- if someone loves you- they can bear to intentionally hurt you. Why, if they loved you, would they do or say something so opposite to the other?

The answer is not easy. Not all things we write down, whether in diaries or blogs, is true to the core. Sometimes we become so overwhelmed in the drama of the moment we forget to look at the whole. As humans we tend to make things too complicated for ourselves. If we learn to look at things simply, it will save us a lot of headaches. Being lost in our own troubles makes it easier to miss the beautiful things which are right in front of our eyes. There is no need to think so much as to exhaust ourselves. It's tiring, isn't it, thinking too much? Now I just enjoy and find contentment in the simple things, which really are the most beautiful.

I think the most important quality for a person to have is a warm and caring heart. And perhaps even more so- a kind soul. Kindness is one of those things which I think is fundamental for us to possess. A warm heart that is able to affect others in a similar way is truly amazing. And kindness... kindness is one of those not-so-rare-once-we-think-about-it things which cannot be seen... but can be felt. Only the heart knows. To be able to "see" kindness from others, we need to know first know what it is ourselves. A heart that is capable of loving someone completely is also a heart that is capable to be kind.

In my previous LJ entry I said that I would not be able to give everything in love anymore, but I know those words are just a form of protecting myself. Fear of being hurt again is like a eye mask that renders us blind.

I read about an interesting case study on this. It so happened that there was a young girl who wanted to surprise her parents, so that night she hid in the closet of her dad's room even though she was supposed to be at a friend's sleepover party. When the parents arrived home, the father heard some noise from their upstairs room, and because they thought no one else was home, he thought a burglar had broken into their house. In order to protect his family, the father went and grabbed his gun, and climbed the stairs, heart pounding. As the girl jumped out from the closet and shouted "BOO!", the father shot her in the neck.

What made the father do this? His urge to protect his family? His sense of responsibility? No, it was fear. An automatic reflex during moments where the human brain thinks that it is in immense danger... although his senses were heightened, the father was too blinded by fear to read the signs, to realize that the figure from the closet had his own daughter's voice. If the father had not been so afraid of a burglar, if he was able to conquer his fear and replace it with bravery, he would have been able to recognize his daughter. If he were not so afraid, he might have paused before shooting.

Fear is the most lethal handicap. At times, we may do things in order to conquer our fears, but the true conquering of fear does not come from achieving things which we were afraid of, but rather from the heart. If you have truly conquered a fear... when you think about doing the same thing again, you would not be afraid. For example, some people say that I've conquered my fear of giving Oral Presentations, and that is true because each time I think of doing yet another speech in front of my classmates- it is not fear that I feel but just nerves and butterflies in my stomach. However, some people say that I've gotten over my fear of being around guys. That is not strictly true, because still sometimes I dread walking past a large group of guys, or purposefully pretend to not register guys I know because I'm afraid they'll see me and then pretend not to have actually seen me. Now, that might seem like quite a ridiculous fear, and logically I know that those guys wouldn't do that- because we're friends. I know them pretty well. We get along. But fear makes me act in a way which is totally illogical.

Of course, illogicality isn't all bad. We just need to figure out when it is more appropriate to be logical, and when we need to put our EQs into good practice. From evolution, the logical mind develops from the emotional. The emotional region of our brains develop first and the logical part is built up from there. For me, this means that we can't always focus on one or the other- sometimes there needs to be some emotion in your reasoning: this allows us to have a conscience, and some reason to your emotions: this allows us to be responsible people.

Most of all, I believe in treating other people the way I would like to be treated- with love, kindness, honesty, trust and respect.

My goal for the rest of this year is to continue trying my hardest to be able to present to everyone a heart and mind which is unafraid to give all of itself to something- be it love, life, studies or hobbies. After all, we can only be loved if we are able to first love ourselves. We can only receive when something has been given.

- Chaoie

- Perfect Eyes -

Sun, 18 May 2008 05:22:31 GMT

Waiting at the bus stop with winter sun warming my face; another 45mins before the next bus should appear.

I lean my back against the glass, feeling coolness seep through the seams of my white hoodie. The busy morning traffic was in a hurry to get to places, yet I felt content enjoying this private moment.

Closed my eyes, and the sun felt warmer. The sky in my mind was a gentle blue, a playful breeze toyed with stray strands of my hair.

Everything slowed down, every action drawn out before my unwavering gaze. Swaying branches, orange yellow leaves falling onto the pavement. I could almost hear the papery rustle from each leaf as it touched the ground.

A soft sigh; turned on my mp3 and plugged in comfy white earphones... unaware of the cars driving past or people jogging by.

After all...

I had all the time in the world.

From the radio, lonely lyrics of a familiar song echoed between my ears.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

- I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all -

If I lay here
If I just lay here

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

When I opened my eyes, my lashes were damp. With the morning dew, or with something else? The next bus had arrived...

It was time for me to leave.

Stood up, brushing invisible lint off my washed out jeans and wishing fervently that someone would stop me from taking this step. As usual, no one was there to hold me tight and murmur, don't go. Don't leave me behind. Please. Instead I seem to hear the ghosts of strange, cold and unfamiliar whispers... unrelenting torrents, wave after wave crashing over me; the constant battering against an already crumbling rock... pain... dulled. A montage of piercing words. A mirage of voices. All, floating around my head. Leave. I don't need you anymore. Don't you realize? Stupid. I've thrown you away. I'm not coming back. I've gone to find someone better. You're not for me. Not good enough. Don't make me feel bad. Move on. Don't look down. Fly.

On the bus, a strong hand reached towards me.

"Come with me. I'm the one who's here. Let me catch you when you fall, let me take care of you. Give me a chance..."

It's true. All girls wish for, even the strong, independent girls... deep down we wish- simply- to be taken care of. Treasured and cherished. Protected.

The only problem is, this perfect hand with long fingers waiting for my own to slip between them... waiting for me to grab hold of it... to the handsome owner smiling and holding out his offer ever so gently...

All I could think was... this isn't the right hand.

Maybe what I want isn't someone to catch me. What I want is someone to fall with me, our arms wrapped around each other as though to never let go. And then, hitting rock bottom... together, we would work our way to the top again. No matter how difficult, how painful, how seemingly impossible, we would always support the other, and when one of us became tired and weary, the other would somehow find enough strength for both to go on; because we have each other, we would be able. Able? Able to... what? No, no, we would just be able. Full stop.

Then, when the chance comes... perhaps we should all just- take it.

~Carpe Diem~

A quote from eaquity's LJ:

"It's not that you don't realize what you had until you lose it,
It's that everything seems so much more beautiful when you're riding for a fall."

Something to ponder.

GANBATTE EVERYONE! Let's do our best and keep smiling every day!

Chaoie

[My feelings... like waves... retreating to the sea one moment, and driven back to the shore another moment...]

- Achievement -

Wed, 07 May 2008 02:38:32 GMT

100% CONFIDENCE~ FIGHTO!

Small achievement to others, but I was really nervous about my driving test seeing as I couldn't sleep until 4-5am and woke up at 6.30am (that, and the fact I nearly ran into a pole and gave my instructor a heart attack the day before)... I failed. HAHA, just kiddin', I passed first time around *smiles*

But I look like an emo in my license photo because I didn't want it to be like my learners piccie... that time I was smiling too hard and looked like a grinning idiot. Ahem, this time tried too hard not to smile and ended up looking suicidal... GG! That's gonna be in my face for the next 3 years or whatever OTL nuuuu~

But yeah, I'm glad I can pass stuff and do well even without the support of others (cough dad zomg you'll phail like x10000 cough)... and even without certain people whom I once thought would definitely be by my side during moments like these- encouraging, believing in and congratulating me. Many warm thanks to Huadud who was the first (and only) person to notice I had my test today (without me telling her) and sent me a well wishing sms, even calling me after *grins* <3

Another highlight of today- and it's only 12.29pm whoot- is that I got 80% for my HRM essay XD happy happy times... now I just have to finish my other 2 pracs and 2 essays... I'll continue to aim higher and do my best~ motivation and concentration please ^^;;

And so...

AZAAAAA!

Chaoie